The Perfect Gift
by Dillon
Summary: My challenge fic for Millenium Kingdom's Valentine's Day Challenge. "The worst Valentine's Day; a V-day badfic challenge"


V-day Challenge fic 1- Millennium Kingdom  
  
Jonouchi was puzzled, to say the least. It was nearly Valentine's  
Day, and he had not yet purchased his beloved a gift. This year's  
gift had to be perfect.  
  
Previous years, he had always been able to ask his dad for help, and  
he was always able to find it, The Perfect Gift. Like when he had  
first learned of the holiday at age 4.  
  
They'd bought his mom a birthstone ring, and hidden it in a box of  
graham crackers. It was the only time he saw a true smile in his  
mother's eyes, and the last time he saw her hug his dad. He told her,  
with a child's pride, how he had bought the crackers. She'd hugged  
him, saying it was Perfect, just Perfect. He'd been so happy.  
  
A few years after that, his parents had separated. Last he knew, she  
was dating a man she met in a mental institution, after she was  
hospitalized for a nervous breakdown. He didn't care. He hadn't  
talked to her much after he and Kiyoshi had left for Japan.  
  
After that had come school crushes, the little girl with the pigtails  
in Kindergarten, his first Valentine's day dance, even the little boy  
in 5th grade, Daisuke. Dad had always helped him find a Perfect Gift,  
until this year. Now Dad was a truck driver, and off somewhere near  
the ocean until Valentine's evening. And this was the year it really  
had to be Perfect.  
  
Jou sighed deeply, sipping a vanilla milkshake. Who else could he  
ask? There was always Malik, but he was sharing rent with Bakura  
since Isis had gone off to college. Bakura had become even more  
strange than usual lately, starting when Malik had converted him to  
vegetarianism. Most recently Bakura had sworn off clothing. He had  
dyed his hair blue and sworn allegiance to the descendants of the  
Imperial Hail Gnomes.  
  
Jou reasoned with himself. He was closest to their apartment, and  
Malik was known for decent taste. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Had to  
be better than Yugi's inevitable game or puzzle idea, or  
Honda's Just grab a random food item or pet' strategy.  
  
To Malik's, then.  
  
Upon entering Malik's apartment, Jou decided he'd definitely had  
better ideas. He didn't ask about the penguins emblazoned upon the  
wall, or the jar of what appeared to be internal organs on the  
mantel, or even the peacefully sleeping donkey in the living room. He  
did, however, wonder aloud at the sight of Malik's pet.  
  
"Malik, dude, your parrot died."  
  
Malik looked puzzled. "Huh?"  
  
Jou raised an eyebrow "The parrot. It's dead."  
  
Malik laughed "The better to grill it."  
  
Now Jou was confused. "But you're a vegetarian."  
  
"Jimi isn't" was Malik's reply. He went to the back door, which lead  
out to the small garden, calling,"Here, Jimi!"  
  
Jonouchi, confused, followed. He promptly fell over a strangely  
prostrate, nude Bakura.  
  
Jou sighed, watching upside-down as Malik greeted a mangy, skinny  
black dog with what appeared to be an impossibly complicated  
ritualistic handshake. Returning himself to his upright position, he  
asked the first question that occurred to him  
  
"Bakura, what in the nine hells are you doing?  
  
Bakura sighed deeply, remaining on his knees, chest parallel to the  
ground, blue hair streaming over the grass in a liquid pool of color,  
contrasting nicely with his pale, tribally patterned skin.  
  
"I'm worshipping the rhubarb. What does it look like I'm doing?"  
  
Jou looked curious "why?"  
  
Bakura used a tone that clearly implied that he was making a great  
concession to manners simply to remain in the presence of a person  
with so little intelligence as he replied, "Because I'm descended  
from long and glorious line of Hail Gnomes. Worshipping vegetables in  
a ritualistic manner is a defining trait of Hail Gnomes."  
  
Bakura looked pensive a moment, well, as pensive as one can look when  
facing the earth. "That and blue headwear."  
  
Jou raised an eyebrow, but replied with a simple "oh. Ok."  
  
Bakura grunted at the lawn. "Ass. Go away, your presence disrupts my  
aura, and you have defiled my worship space."  
  
Jou smirked. "Is this a bad time to point out the other ass defiling  
your space?"  
  
Bakura finally looked up.  
  
"Sam! What the hell? That's the third sacred vegetable this week!"  
  
"Sixth" clarified an amused Malik. "The Strength Artichoke, The  
Quince of Madness – which was, in fact, a fruit, but we can ignore  
that – The Horseradish of Extreme Stomach Upset, the Confusing  
Eggplant, and the Turnip of Slumber. And, now, the Sacred Rhubarb of  
Wonder."  
  
Jou looked amused, disturbed, and slightly confused. Simultaneously.  
Malik was impressed. Jou opened his mouth to speak, closed it, then  
said, hesitatingly, "Bakura, dude, why don't you just worship the  
donkey? I mean, he's like a Holy Salad Shooter at this point."  
  
Bakura stood, hands on hips, looking miffed.  
  
"I can't worship a barnyard animal! Don't you realize how weird that  
would look?"  
  
Malik and Jou looked at Bakura, eyes wide in shock and amazement.  
  
Bakura looked slightly more peeved, and spoke again.  
  
"What?"  
  
…  
  
"What?"  
  
…  
  
Comprehension dawned.  
  
"Shit, my eyeliner's fucked again, isn't it?"  
  
Bakura left to seek a mirror, laving the two boys to gape awhile.  
Finally, Jimi nudged Malik's hand and brought him to the present.  
  
Malik felt the need to explain "He's been that way since we came back  
from Acapulco. With the vegetables and all."  
  
Jou shook his head "I told you the Running of the Hamsters was a bad  
idea. Plus depriving him of meat products. He finally snapped."  
  
Malik looked down and smiled "Jimi needs fed. Then I can run you to  
the mall." He patted the dog, and turned to the house.  
  
Jonouchi stood in the yard a moment, deciding if he'd be safer  
outside the house or in.  
  
Watching a man casually walk down the street, talking to what  
appeared to be a green, globular hand puppet, he decided Bakura was  
preferable, and went inside.  
  
Malik looked up as Jou walked in the door.  
  
"I take it Mr. Kachatori is out on his evening walk?"  
  
"Is that the guy with the puppet?"  
  
"Yeah. He's a bartender down on Burberry Street. He's schizophrenic,  
just got out of the hospital. Talks to Neimo more often than anyone  
else, but he and Bakura seem to get along well at times."  
  
"Creepy."  
  
"As hell, yeah. But I'm used to it."  
  
Jou shook his head, spared a glance to Jimi; now apparently reading a  
newspaper used under ea dish of grilled parrot with baby lettuce and  
carrots, and walked out of the room. Only to turn around and walk  
back in.  
  
Malik snickered. "Is he painting the penguins again? Or has he  
already moved on to his skin?"  
  
"Actually, the design on his arm seems to be migrating to the  
lampshade."  
  
"Oooh, this should be interesting." Malik moved to the living room to  
watch.  
  
Jou followed, crying out "Hey! What about the mall?"  
  
Several minutes and many curses later, Malik and Jonouchi were  
driving to the mall.  
  
"I told you he shouldn't be allowed near the chocolate sauce!"  
  
"But he was so happy…"  
  
"For about 3 minutes. Until it got on his precious cactus."  
  
"How was I to know the cactus was allergic? I didn't know cacti could  
be allergic!"  
  
A strangled, sniffling sob came from the backseat "…..Jeremiah……"  
  
Jonouchi tried his best to look comforting "It'll be ok, Bakura.  
You'll see"  
  
Bakura glared "Murderer!"  
  
Jou rolled his eyes "freak"  
  
"Plant killer"  
  
"Veggie worshipper"  
  
"Penguin hater"  
  
"Tattooed wonder"  
  
"It's not tattoos, it's paint. Blonde."  
  
"Creepy neo-hippie freak boy"  
  
"Limaceous bicrural endomorph of the dendrophilous type"  
  
"…. Do you even know what that means?"  
  
Bakura looked smug "of course"  
  
Malik snickered. "We're here. Can you two behave, or do I have to  
separate you?"  
  
Jou sighed. "Can we leave him here?"  
  
Malik narrowed his eyes "No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"Jonouchi, believe me. You do not want to see what he could do to  
this car in the time we're in there."  
  
Jou sighed, and said in a mocking tone "It's only a couple days in  
Acapulco. We'll see the Running of the Hamsters"  
  
Malik glared "shut up, you. It seemed like a good idea at the time."  
  
Bakura smirked. "Sorry to ruin your fun, but it seems the Evil  
Shopping Mall of Doom is closed."  
  
The blondes looked up in surprise.  
  
"Closed?"  
  
"For repairs. Broken water pipe."  
  
"Shit. Now what do we do?"  
  
Bakura looked thoughtful. "We could go to Dee's shop."  
  
Malik looked scared.  
  
Jou looked interested, though wary "What's Dee's shop? And why does  
it scare Malik?"  
  
Bakura shrugged. "It's downtown. A little weird, run by a crazy guy.  
But cool. Otogi shops there."  
  
Jou sighed "Why am I not surprised? Well, let's go."  
  
A short time later, they pulled up in a little are of downtown. Jou  
watched out his window as they passed little foreign markets, a  
mercantile, a guy getting mugged, a tattoo shop, a bookstore….  
  
Finally, they stopped in front of an odd little place. There were  
strange things in the window, little Tiki dudes and a jar of doll's  
eyes, a plaster donut, a peppermill, a bottle of orange liquid with a  
Sanskrit label, emblazoned with images of Betty Page. It definitely  
looked like a place Otogi and Bakura would shop.  
  
As they walked in the door, Jou looked around. There were CDs hanging  
from the ceiling, a plastic airplane, several porcelain clowns. Books  
rested on every available surface, sharing their places with ceramic  
skulls full of random items, Hello Kitty memorabilia, rubber rodents  
and a calligraphy set.  
  
Malik was fiddling with one of the Tiki dudes, one in a barrel.  
Bakura looked as though he may say something, but then stopped and  
motioned Jou to watch.  
  
Malik turned the barrel slightly, and his eyes opened in surprise. He  
appeared to consider before lifting the barrel completely away…  
  
Exposing the little Tiki man's large, spring-loaded erection.  
  
Bakura and Jonouchi burst out with laughter, as Malik turned bright  
red and attempted to reassemble the vulgar knick-nack. An amused  
voice came from the corner of the room. "He's an interesting piece,  
isn't he? I picked him up on my travels, you can have him for 25."  
  
Malik seemed to consider it. Might make an interesting conversation  
piece. "Where did you get him? Jamaica?"  
  
The shopkeeper sighed. "Wisconsin."  
  
Malik shook his head, setting the tiki down. "I'll think about it."  
  
Jou looked pensive "I'd pay 10."  
  
Bakura and Malik each raised an eyebrow.  
  
Jou snickered "That's the single weirdest thing I've ever seen.  
Doesn't it just scream Otogi'?"  
  
The shopkeeper laughed. "I've considered giving it to him myself.  
Somehow he's never seemed to notice it."  
  
"The fact that you keep it on top of a six foot shelf, behind a book  
of obscure Portuguese recipes and a sign that says Please don't feed  
the Weasels' May have something to do with that."  
  
The shopkeeper looked pensive. "You really think so?"  
  
Bakura smiled "Yo, Dee-dude. Why aren't you out here?"  
  
"Yo. Kyo broke my leg."  
  
Bakura looked confused "How did he manage that?"  
  
Dee sighed, a long-suffering sigh. "It's a long story, but I found  
out that my refrigerator has a drip pan."  
  
"Was Kevin involved?"  
  
"No, he's still in Jamaica with Bob."  
  
Jonouchi ignored the crazy people, perusing a nice leather vest. It  
was not at all what he was looking for, but it was nicely made in  
blue-black leather, with an odd eye design on the left chest that  
looked oddly familiar, and an odd metal pull on the zipper. Malik  
looked over his shoulder.  
  
"A nice piece, that. The design is the Eye of Hours, and the pull is  
an Egyptian coin, of a similar value to a penny."  
  
Jou raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean the Eye of Horus?"  
  
"Nope. Eye of Hours. A cheap knock-off. See the hourglass pupil? It  
sees time. Like Raistlin."  
  
"Oh. Cool."  
  
Jou picked up the vest. Maybe he'd find a reason to give Yugi a gift.  
  
Jou walked past the desk. Bakura was gesturing wildly, saying "And  
then he spilled the chocolate sauce on Jeremiah, and Jimi tripped me,  
and I would have milked the cow, but I was too busy yodeling!"  
  
Jou shook his head and continued perusing things. It seemed Malik was  
engrossed in a book, so Jou went over near him, to the shelf. Malik  
looked up.  
  
"What do you think of this recipe? I could get most of the  
ingredients near here."  
  
Jou looked "I tend to avoid cookies with beet juice as a major  
ingredient."  
  
Malik looked torn "But it's so original… I'll have to try it!"  
  
Jou sighed, "It's your funeral. Just try to stay near, I don't want  
to have to search through downtown with a naked Bakura."  
  
He went on to peruse a flowerpot shaped like a turtle, while Malik  
paid and escaped. He heard Dee go back to Bakura, saying, "Well, it's  
fully understandable, rabid squirrel monkeys being what they are. But  
are you sure you want to bear his child?"  
  
Jonouchi was somewhat scared as he waited for Bakura's answer.  
  
"I don't have much of a choice, do I? I won't abort it."  
  
Dee nodded sympathetically. "Of course, I'd never expect you to. I  
just didn't know it had gone that far already. Will you use the squid-  
rearing method, or a more mammalian-styled approach?"  
  
"I was watching Steve Irwin the other day, and got an interesting  
idea…."  
  
Jonouchi decided maybe he'd go check another shop.  
  
As he walked out the door, something caught his eye. He stopped  
short, and managed to only get slightly poked. Eye watering, he  
looked to see what it was.  
  
A pointed stick. Hovering, just in front of his face.  
  
Bakura snickered, and Dee looked impressed "That's the best anti-  
shoplifting system in the history of the world, man. You have a  
wicked mind."  
  
Bakura looked smug. "I know. Oi, Jonouchi! Pay before you leave!"  
  
Jou looked down at his arms, having forgotten about the vest and  
Tiki. He blushed, walking to the desk. On the way, he spotted an odd  
jar with a floating white object in it. Curious, he asked, "What is  
this?"  
  
Dee shrugged. "My gallbladder."  
  
Jou blanched. "ew."  
  
Jonouchi saw that Bakura and Dee had resumed their conversation, and  
so perused the items on the shelf beside him. He found a book of  
short stories, a blank book with a cool cover, a small puzzle game, a  
weird wooden turnip toy, an amorphous blob, a freaky necklace, and a  
key. He held the necklace up by the cord, gazing at the holographic  
skull, whose eyes seemed to follow him. Decided, he gathered his  
weirdo stuff and stepped to the register. Just in time to catch the  
end of Dee's oddly detailed squirrel-monkey world domination plot.  
  
"…and then they will cut my brain into conveniently bite sized pieces  
and feed it to the giant squid in hopes that it will rise up and one  
day take over the world"  
  
"Well, of course. Otherwise what would the puffins eat?"  
  
Jou poked a weird bulbous pink thing. "What in the name of Fudge  
McPumpernickle is this?"  
  
Dee looked "A squid hat"  
  
"What does it do?"  
  
"Looks like a squid. Sucking on your head. Want one? I make them  
myself."  
  
Bakura nodded "I have one. They show you to be a member of Neptune's  
Lost Race of Wandering Squid People."  
  
Dee nodded as well. "Every squid person in the world has one. Except  
Petey McGruin, because he hates monkeys."  
  
Jou decided, on some planet, that made sense. He thought fast.  
  
"I can't right now, but maybe another time. If I spend more than I am  
already, I won't be able to afford the, um… Turnip chips!"  
  
Dee nodded sagely. "Yes, you must save money for those. Otherwise the  
weasels may be angered. I'll save one for you."  
  
Jou paid for his purchases, and decided to wait outside.  
  
He was, all in all, happy, but he'd spent his money and still wasn't  
sure… maybe he'd just make something….  
  
They drove back to Jou's in relative silence, Bakura chattering  
happily but quietly to the stuffed dragon he'd bought, Malik  
apparently pondering the beet juice cookie recipe he'd found (which  
turned out to be created by Dee's sister, when she was 5 years old)  
and Jou contemplating his gift. Seized by sudden inspiration, he  
called to Malik.  
  
"Hey, Malik! Stop here, dudeman!"  
  
"Here? Jonouchi, wha…?"  
  
"Just do it, man."  
  
Jonouchi knew what to do. And a short while later, he had what he  
needed.  
  
Once home, Jou thanked Malik for the ride, and Bakura for the  
recommendation. Malik offered to stay and help, but Jou declined.  
He'd do this himself.  
  
Inside the apartment, he stopped to make a quick phone call.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
…..  
  
"Yeah, I'm doing alright. Spent the day shopping with Bakura and  
Malik."  
  
…..  
  
"Yes, I'm still alright! You worry too much." Jou laughed.  
  
…..  
  
"So you're coming tonight, right? Cool, how long?"  
  
….  
  
"Ok, I'll be waiting."  
  
….  
  
"Love you too. See ya soon."  
  
Jou smiled, and went to get ready.  
  
2 hours later, Jou had a simple, good dinner waiting. Spaghetti,  
garlic bread, salad, even a bottle of inexpensive wine. He'd set the  
table with two places, a small gift at one end. He looked in the  
mirror, making sure his hair was nice, his shirt clean. Everything  
was ready when the door opened. Jonouchi smiled and raced forward,  
not even letting the man fully inside before he was hugged tightly,  
and kissed.  
  
The man laughed, "Katsu, let me at least turn a light on before you  
attack?"  
  
Jou laughed, "I missed you!" He let the older man in, and hugged him  
again  
  
The elder laughed, "I missed you to, Katsuya. What smells so good?"  
  
Jou smiled. "I made dinner. Happy Valentine's day, Dad."  
  
Kiyoshi looked around in astonishment. "You know how to work the  
stove?"  
  
Jou smacked his dad playfully. "Of course. Now go at your dinner,  
I'll put your bag in your room."  
  
Kiyoshi sat at the table, and eyed the lovingly wrapped gift on his  
plate. What had possessed his son now?  
  
He waited patiently for Katsuya top come back before asking, "What is  
this?"  
  
Katsuya blushed, and mumbled, "It's a gift. For you."  
  
Kiyoshi looked startled "Why?"  
  
Katsuya blushed more, and looked down as he replied. "You always help  
me find something special for someone else, so I wanted to get you  
something. I hope you like it."  
  
Kiyoshi stood and hugged his son. "I'll love it."  
  
Carefully, he opened the paper. Inside was the book Jou had purchased  
earlier that day, a small blank book with a starburst, and a quote  
from Thomas Edison. Quietly, the elder Jonouchi read aloud "If we did  
all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound  
ourselves…"  
  
He smiled at his son, who smiled back "open it"  
  
Inside, Kiyoshi found pictures. Little pictures of Jou and his sister  
as children, and of Kiyoshi and his son. He smiled at one, himself  
teaching a 10-year-old Katsuya to play the guitar. With each picture,  
Jonouchi had carefully written a memory he had attached to that  
photo. Kiyoshi looked up with tears in his eyes.  
  
"It's perfect, Katsu. Absolutely Perfect."  
  
Jonouchi hugged his dad, and stepped back, smiling. "Let's eat dinner  
before it gets cold, dad. Then you need a shower. You smell like a  
truck driver."  
  
Kiyoshi laughed "I brought you back pictures."  
  
Katsuya smiled "Cool. I still haven't bought a gift for Kaiba; he  
probably thinks I forgot him. I found stuff for probably everyone  
else I know, though."  
  
Kiyoshi swallowed and smiled back "He probably doesn't even remember  
what day it is. Get him something weird, and give them all gifts for  
White day."  
  
I got Mokuba a turnip top. Maybe I should give that to Seto and give  
Mokuba something else?"  
  
Kiyoshi groaned, "No, he'd probably find some way to enhance' it and  
make like, electric battle tops or something. Maybe a nice chess set?"  
  
Katsuya smiled "I don't know. But I'm sure we'll think of something.  
You and I always do, together." He added, softly "good to have you  
back, dad."  
  
Kiyoshi smiled, and whispered "Good to be back, son"  
  
End


End file.
